Honestly.

I'm going to do something now.

I think I need to let it out, at least somewhere.

Warning.

I am going to just let loose on a lot of things. If I don't go more in depth of it, that's on purpose.

A lot of this has been bottled up for a long time.

But I am going a little crazy.

Here it is.

After a stressful and emotionally demanding 24 hours, I sat back and thought

why am I doing this?

Right now, I would be in Provo. All of my friends would be close. They are all off doing things I would LOVE to be doing any day. Seeing all my favorite bands. Hanging out with all my favorite people. Having the same spontaneous fun I had the past 2 years. Those were the best years of my life, where I met the best friends ever. I would be at school everyday. I like school. The other day I took Kruse's Pre-calc book and did some problems for fun, because I feel so weird not being in school right now. Yes everyone complains about school, but we always take for granted how amazing school is. I would be with "him". Yes, "him" who I never mention due to negative reactions I get from others, but I don't care. I had a guy who treated me like a queen, who made me SO happy, who was always there for me if I needed anything, who would jump through hoops to make me smile, who supported me in everything I was passionate about--even if I wasn't amazing at it, who are I care the world about. I would get to see that bright sun shining friend often. I would have all of that and more things I am probably forgetting.

But Right now, I am in Wilsonville. None of my friends are close. Some are not too far away, but school and work keeps them preoccupied much of the day. These friends of course I mean are ones who are my age. I have other people who I do see often--one is Samanatha, a 2 year old girl I babysit once a week (she is the cutest bubbliest thing ever); another are the high school cross country kids. I LOVE working there at the high school, I have to say practice is by far always the best part of my day. Lastly is my brothers, which I try to play with as often as I can. But as you can see, my social life has dwindled completely here. Weekends are spent alone and in bed by 9:30pm. I have become known as the person-who-didn't-back-go-school-and-is-hanging-in-wilsonville-living-at-home. It's not a fun reputation. I am living at home, sometimes not getting along with everyone perfectly. I would like to say I come from a cookie-cutter-perfect family. But I have had the same argument with my mom for the past 8 months, and it still isn't getting better. I fear it will remain that way. Life is usually fine if she doesn't bring it up. But she did today. It's a day like this when I think about exactly what I am posting.

WHY AM I DOING THIS???

But I know why.

"Lift up your eyes, and look on the fields; for they are white and ready to harvest. And he that reapeth receiveth wages, and gathereth fruit unto eternal life; that both he that soweth and he that reapeth may rejoice together" ~John 4:35-36

I am here to prepare to serve the Lord. I feel so much peace each step I take for preparing for my mission. I went through the temple last Saturday, what an AMAZING experience that was. The days are ticking and I am getting more and more excited. September is halfway over, which means it is October, which is only a month before November, and that is when I leave. I KNOW a mission is where I belong. That is worth missing my best friends, postponing schooling, saying goodbye (hopefully temporarily) to "him", and in turn being a stay-at-home mom with a stay-at-home mom who will forever be disappointed in me. This is hard. I've been crying more and more lately. The stress from being away and the stress involved here hurts me emotionally. I just am assured by the Lord it is right. And who is to doubt Him.

Hey, and if you think about it, people are going to hate me a LOT more in Argentina. I better get used to being the not popular one haha.

This was not meant to be a negative bash on anyone or anything or to offend. I just needed to vent a little. All in all, I know everything I am doing is right because it is taking me closer to the Lord. I have no regrets with my life, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.